Morton was so dull and lifeless, you would think he was purchased at Jared. And this after I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed him. My hand hasn’t been so tired since I dated my last multimillionaire octagenarian. That guy could not hold on to a cup of coffee to save his life. I hope I never have to clean up that much spilled café au lait on grout again!

Westfield actually hurt me today! I don’t know how his prong got so out of place, but it stabbed me right on my room service ordering finger.

And Prince, well, he simply did not hold up his end of our bargain. We went out for lunch at Roma today and the waitress had a bigger rock than I did. He’s pouting in time out right now. I suppose I’ll let him out in time for my next round of dates. I nee those guys to know what they’re competing against.

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