Apparently my blogs haven't been over very well with the general public. Most of the complaints I've been receiving have been about my "fixation" on a certain topic. So, I've decided to blog today while remaining politically correct. Therefore, any words I want to write that might seem questionable to readers will be replaced with the word "kitten".
Last night I was doing my laundry, and I saw this hot kitten with a pair of kittens the size of watermelons. Being the upstanding guy I usually am, I walked over and asked her if she'd ever kittened on top of a washing machine while it was on.
And here's lesson you only need to learn once...detergent burns your eyes like a motherkitten.
Anyway, after she left, I met this odd little woman with no kittens to speak of...I mean, there were the smallest kittens I've ever seen. She walked over and said she couldn't help but overhear what I said to the other woman, and she was more than willing to kitten me in ways I'd never dreamed.
There were too many people in the laundromat, so we kittened in the car...then she kittened me...I kittened her...we kittened all night long.
Next time, perhaps I'll use another word to keep things PC. Perhaps another word to describe a kitten. We'll see, I guess.
Yes, even the Trig Man knows when it's time to get serious and pay attention to the world. So, I watched the state of the union address last night, and it got me thinking about what a great country this is. Think about it for a moment...in some countries, women can only go outside covered head to toe. Can you believe that?
A million years ago, George Washington and some old guys fought some other guys with bad teeth, and we won. And it's because of that freedom that inventions such as the thong, bikini, and edible panties came to be. For those reasons, I salute you!
Don't get me wrong...there are other countries I'm a fan of: France (nude beaches), Italy (hot women who can cook), and Switzerland (highest rate of cosmetic surgery in the world).
But the USA will always hold a special place in my heart...
...and in my pants.
Yes, I know. It's hard for some people to admit, but not every date can be good. Even someone with a track record like the Trig Man has had a few...mishaps.
Don't get me wrong, I'm way ahead in the score column, but a foul ball once or twice does happen.
For example, about six months ago I saw this girl in the supermarket. She was checking out melons, I was checking hers...an instant match. I strolled over and turned on the Trig charm, and there's nothing more hypnotic than the Trig charm. It's like ice cream on a hot summer day...on the beach...with girls...in thongs...
Whoa...zoned out a second there. I'm back.
So we hit it off and hit the check out line together. Being the gentleman I am, I carried her bags back to her car. When we got there, she didn't want to open the trunk. Seeing how embarrassed she was about it, I knew something was up.
"Girl, there ain't nothing in there I haven't seen before," I said. Finally she caved and opened the trunk.
And I have to admit...for the first time, the Trig Man was wrong.
In the trunk was a gorgeous brunette in her underwear. At first she was surprised, then smiled and invited me in...and being the gentleman I am...
Why was this my worst date ever? Simple...the Trig Man has never been wrong or surprised before when it comes to girls...until this moment.
What happened after that, you might ask? I'm not the type to talk, but I will say this...one of those grocery bags was full of chocolate syrup, whipped cream, and ice cream...and we didn't need a spoon to eat it with either.
This whole blogging thing is very new to me. I mean, I'm not exactly of many words, but that doesn't mean I'm not into oral exercise if you know what I mean.
Yeah, you know.
I was walking through the mall the other day and saw this really hot blonde coming towards me. Turns out she was some girl I went to high school with, minus a hundred and fifty pounds. Our conversation went something like this:
"You know, you were really mean to me in high school, Trig."
"Yeah, you used to call me a Dina Dumptruck."
"Well, that was yesterday, gorgeous. Today, what do you say we give that new Corvette of a body a test drive?"
And then she walked away. I'm still not sure why.
So the doc wants us to start writing weekly blogs about stuff. Not that I blame him. When you've been with more girls than Tiger Woods, it's always fun to share.
I was at this New Year’s party at the bar, and all the girls were yapping about making a New Year’s resolution, and I realized something…I’ve never made a resolution once in my life. So I stood there for a while and thought about something I really needed to change…and then it hit me. Not the resolution…a gorgeous brunette. She bumped into me and spilled her drink on my shirt. While she was apologizing, I realized that I spend a lot of time looking for girls, when what I should really do is just let them come to the Trig Man.
We resoluted in the bathroom a few minutes later…so my 2010 started with a big bang.